I just wrote a bunch and then somehow deleted it all! So, to try this again. Last night I felt myself wind down from all the sadness and grief in anticipation of a new day. Today was a nice, normal, relaxing day and I am so glad of it. I am up too late writing but felt like I needed another outlet besides talking to Peter because he was playing on the computer. Today we woke up and did our normal routine but there was a kink in it as I realized on the the way out the door to mass (today is a holy day, the assumption of Mary) that my purse with my keys in it was locked in the car. Oops;) So, no German mass at 10 a.m. and no grocery run to get supplies for a few friends that came over tonight. But, we had a really nice day anyway and stayed home to scrounge the available ingredients for snacks and called Peter to tell him he needed to bring toilet paper home! Haley and I were about to walk out the door to get groceries from Penny Markt with the little change I could find (that wasn’t in my purse) and then I realized it would be closed on a German holiday!
So, something I wrote earlier that was deleted was that I think a routine is the most important thing I would tell someone dealing with baby loss to focus on. Haley and I are on a nice morning routine that I am glad will stay consistent when we move and she starts pre-school. I also have recently started waking up before her so I can have some quiet prayer/tea time and take a bath, get dressed, in solitude which I love. After Haley wakes up we have breakfast, then I set the timer for 10 minutes to clean the kitchen, then we start homeschool and the day kind of wanders from there. When staying home, after lunch she gets to watch a movie and then play time, dinner, whatever;) Today Haley was very sweet and helpful…she helped me mop the floor;) and make chocolate fudge for friends coming over. Speaking of, having that to focus on the last few days that were so full of sadness was such a positive thing for me. Tidying a bit here and there, planning a simple menu, just forcing myself to do something I otherwise would not have done. I will have to type something else out maybe tomorrow which is the sequence of events that we did this year marking the first year without Clara and knowing I will want to continue these traditions yearly.
What a difference a day makes. What a HUGE difference August 13th made on my life and Peter’s and Haley’s lives knowing Clara would never come home with us. And, on a much simpler plane what a difference in my day from yesterday to today. Today starts my year of hope! I am hopeful for some things I keep in my heart and for other things I am happy to share such as being at peace in each day, loving my family, and keeping prayer in my life even when it is extremely difficult. Having hope as I learn to live once again is a beautiful thing. I anticipate this August 19th, the day of hope and healing for all bereaved mothers through Project Heal which can be found at http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/06/august-19th-day-of-hope-the-prayer-flag-project.html I made Clara’s little prayer flag and invited Grammy and Grandma to join in which they both already made theirs. Maybe I will invite more people to join in next year.
Okay, I should head to bed so I can be ready for tomorrow. Haley and I are tackling a dentist appointment by force or by will. I am praying for a miracle because I don’t want to deal with any more medical problems for anyone in our family. She has a black discoloration I am very concerned about and when we tried to go the last two times it was a no go and then dentist was other than helpful for sure. I am going to go google the patron saint of anything dental. Pray for us, Saint Apollonia!!! I will think about posting in my blog all the crazy that I am sure will follow as we try for a third time to get my beautiful, strong-willed gal to open her mouth. Saint Apollonia, heal that little girl’s teeth. Night;)